it was A Weekend.
it was A Weekend.
Mikey’s birthday was fun. I wore Liz’s glasses and pretended to be Daria and Jeff pretended it was his birthday (qqqqqtttttt)
s.o.s. body is trying to self destruct today. wow.
last night i was reading a passage from my new favorite book to ashley after she got into bed. it’s one that i’ve read over and over again since i first read it. the title of the chapter is “the future has an ancient heart” and the last line is “Carry it with me, as I do everything that matters” and i think it’s ruined my entire day today. not ruined in a bad way, just i can’t really think about work, which i guess is the point of work. b woke up naked this morning with falafel in his mouth. that’s something i keep thinking about. about all of us laughing at that. i keep thinking about a rilke poem i read and about daniel johnston and about this jar of rocks i have on my desk. about michigan and mercury and stuff. just thinking about all the things that i carry with me to and from work, to and from all of the places i ever go, you know? i just need to find a way to keep thinking about them while i answer all of my unread emails.
a message to all peeps: can we staaaahhhhp shaming other people for asking questions and stop making them feel like they’re the idiot who didn’t know how to google something? maybe they just wanted some gd human interaction/feedback.
I had horrible dreams last night / slept under a drafty window (real life, not dream life) / but I was in the hospital, my brother turned into a doll, my aunt was in a bridesmaid dress, holding a cigarette and she was dead, cigarette still clutched in her hand, her arm was stiff and bent at the elbow, mouth open like the last time i saw her alive / i just need time alone I think. I’ve been feeling just really overwhelmed and depressed and I know that being alone could be kind of sad but holy shit what i would give to just have a room i could go to after work and BE ALONE FOR ONE SECOND I haven’t been alone in over two weeks and it’s stressing me out I just need to sleep or cry or do something that doesn’t involve talking. I guess that’s why I woke up before 6am today so maybe I could just have a goddamn hour or two to myself. but actually I woke up because it’s -10 degrees under this stupid window and I am shivering even in my winter coat
i spent all day yesterday waiting for someone i loved deeply to die. waiting for the last time her lungs filled up with air, a last exhale, a flatline. as far as days go, it was pretty bad. but i think today was worse. today i cannot stop thinking about yesterday and it’s so hard to get any work done.
holy shit it is impossible to focus on work right now. but i’m afraid of getting behind in everything, so i’m trying, but i can’t.
but the good news is my medication only cost $3? insurance magic.